Every artist knows the feeling to be kissed by his muse. The moment when you see something, that makes your whole world stop turning and the zoomeffect, when everything steps back and you see only your motive.
Dont you?

Well, my muse didnt only kiss me, she kicked me as hard as a mule.
Started to collect photos of my model already and as more as I find, as more Im sure, there are always better ones, I could miss, if I stop choosing.
And now I got a video! Like if it isnt worse enough with the photos and my memories.
Awww....I fear I wont sleep again, untill I can finish a drawing.

My model has no idea. Otherwise I could simply ask, wich modelphoto I shall take. But I dont want to scare this person. It feels like a soapbubble, that would disappear, if Im too unmindful.
I know I have waited for this chance since I started to draw people. Woah, thats creepy.

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Today I got the final note, that my favourite band broke up. I have seen this coming since march 2007 , when their van and all their gear was stolen in Montreal. No injurance. They never recovered from this.

Three of them were my models. Denyss McKnight, Adam Becvare and Jahmeel Russel.
But most of all the whole band were friends for me. They played MY music.

I remember the day when I saw them the very first time. At M-TV.
The music kicked me off the chair and I run to the computer to see if theire on myspace.
I bought the first Black Halos -CD the same week.

We became friends. I still have their first messages.

Didnt have to wait too long until they came over to tour Europe.
We met the first time in Düsseldorf. Never saw them in person before, but they treated me like friends. We spend the evening together and they gave me a gift. A poster, that they all signed and wrote alot of cute things at. I still own it.

Then the van got stolen and we didnt know if the next tour would be possible.
But they made it over again and I drove 6 hours to see them. This time we had a bit more time and spend many hours together. We made a fire in the backyard and drunk alot of beer.
As I said goodbye, I knew, it would be the last time, when I see them. I felt the sadness.
I was right.

We are still in contact.
But the news today -even if I expected that already- made me very sad.
Never had a band I loved that much.
I still do no cardrive without their music.

My head sais, I should looking forwart. To meet Adam again with his new band, wich I like also alot.
But it is not the same. Some things wont ever come back.
Im thankful, that I had the possibility to meet them. I see it as a gift.

As you know I have a weakness for female looking boys, cause I find them simply beautiful.
One of my last comments was like: "he looks too female for a boy".
I said, he looks exacty as he should, cause for me it is a sign of beauty if a boy looks that way.
Then the question of the year: Are you bi????

What the fuck....

Its time to keep you updated, because I know how much I neglected you all in the pass and probably I cant otherwise than to explain this.
Unfortunately a few months ago I needed to be in the hospital where the doctors made countless tests and stuff and decided that I have Rheumatism.
I got besides many different painkillers a brandnew med and they said it would need atleast 3 months until it can start to work.
But until now it doesnt.
Besides the pain I got stomachproblems because of Ibuprophene, Novalgine, Cortisone and Tramal and started to puke.
They gave me injections into my joints.
For all who have no idea what Rheumatism means: Horrble pain in my bones. In particular the hands and fingers, the feets, the back and hips. It feels actually like someone tries to turn the bones out of your joints until you stop thinking and want only to scream. But you cant scream because the pain is that horrible that you havnt enough breath to do. I cant sleep, because the hurtds wake me up. So I come up every day early to get my painkillers and wait until it becomes a bit bearable.
Im usually not a whiny person and had hard times to accept my new situation. Every day is a new fight. I go on moving, working and thinking positive, even if its not everyday easy. But I can choose: new big motorcycle or someday a wheelchair and you can bet, I know exactly what I want. Actually Im glad if I can walk, but I wont give up hoping that the meds start to work.
Another "great" news is the fact, that I m not longer able to have kids. The meds who are supposed to take the pain away are also fatal for a fetus.
So.
Maybe you understand now why Im not as often writing or here be online. I have to do another fight.
I do not desperate. I will keep on shining. And being just me. All I want is to go on with the artwork and a big black motorcycle.
Kisses
AV

The most of you will know about my absolutely favourite band and friends The Black Halos from Canada.
Unfortunately their
motto "F.F.T.S." (fucked from the start)striked again.
At 16 March their van with all their stuff in got stolen. Now we try to find some of these things back.
I hope you all have a myspace page...Check out my blog and see the pictures of all the stolen stuff.
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